Okay, after several attempts to write on a specific topic, I’m giving up. Ahh! Which is perfect, because now I know what to write about. I’ve been sitting here for some time trying to craft a clever, relevant, insightful post with no results. Nothing satisfying anyway. Turns out I was trying to make something happen. Which come to think of it almost never works.
This theme has been coming up for me in a BIG way in the past few months. The theme of control and trying to make things happen. Things that are pretty much out of my control. Which is really frustrating and actually quite perfect.
Things that are out of my control = other people, getting other people to like me, zits, and um, life in general. So let’s take other people as an example (I’ll follow-up with zits later). Okay, and specifically – other people I’m dating. Dating is funny, which in this post is code for “torture”. I prefer funny, however. Dating is also a great way to achieve spiritual enlightenment. I mean, it exposes all of your vulnerabilities, makes you say and do the darndest things, brings up all of your “stuff”, and in general beats the hell out of your ego. Like I said, enlightenment. So this is good.
What’s “funny” is when you (I) try to make something happen. For example, I try to get the person to like me. I try to get them to view me in a certain way. I try to… well, let’s stop there.
When I’m attached to getting a specific outcome I can’t see anything except for the outcome I don’t yet have. It’s a bit desperate really. And when it comes to dating, getting attached means I’m unable to see the other person – instead I see my projection of who I want them to be – and I lose myself in the process. Instead of staying in my “business” and noticing what’s going on for me, I get into the other person’s business. I miss the entire experience and my ability to gauge whether or not this is even a good fit. And then, almost always, I don’t get the outcome I want.
And let’s be clear, we all do this. We all try to avoid pain and subsequently cling to pleasure, i.e. we want a certain outcome. A good one, damn it! Which is really just a control issue. Wanting a certain outcome is rooted in a basic fear that if we don’t “control” a situation we’re screwed. See, it’s not that controlling people are mean or evil. It’s that they’re scared. And it’s all of us to some extent. It shows up in different areas of our lives (dating may be a more obvious one), but it’s there, however subtle.
It’s there when we want people to be more courteous, or drive better (we are excellent drivers, however). It’s there when we want life to be neat and tidy – seamless and cooperative.
So we try harder to control Life. Which typically creates more pain.
And ultimately, when we believe (consciously or unconsciously) that we need to control a situation, it’s about not trusting Life. It’s like saying – I know better. I know that this person needs to like me. Darn it. And that this needs to become something meaningful. But seriously, how do you know? How do you know that the absolute perfect match for you isn’t just around the corner and that if you force this thing with this someone, you won’t totally miss it?
You don’t. And what I’ve discovered is that Life knows a whole lot more than you or I do.
I know this because the few times that I have “let go” - whether by total chance or because I’d exhausted all other options – things went amazingly well. And that’s because letting go is about trusting Life. It’s an act based in fundamental okay-ness, and it’s signaling to the Universe that I know that It knows best. And It does.
Trusting Life and then sticking with yourself through all the discomfort and anxiety that surfaces when you give up control is a seriously courageous act. And consequently, one that usually leads to the best possible outcome.
