Are you Willing?

A brilliant woman, who I won’t mention is my therapist, boiled down almost every struggle I’ve ever had in my life to one short question – Are you willing?

Oh no.  What?

Turns out I’ve been wanting a lot of stuff – relationships, career, dog, children, neatly-delivered outcomes, etc… but I haven’t necessarily been all that willing.  You see, there is a very subtle, yet enormously powerful shift from wanting to willing.  So much so, that I had quite a difficult time enunciating out loud, that I was in fact willing to have my long list of desires.

Why you ask?

Well, first of all, try it.  Because it will become readily apparent.  Let’s say you want your own business (or whatever your particular heart’s desire).  You want it.  Easy enough.  I want my own business.  A successful one, damn it!  Now, try saying it with “willing” instead.  Out loud.  Maybe even in front of someone.  Yikes.  I am willing to have my own business.  Can you do it?

I couldn’t.  I felt like I was standing on the edge of a super-high Olympic high dive.  For the first time.  Oh, and I was four.  I was not budging.  Nope, nadda.  The words were not coming out of my mouth.

I couldn’t say “willing” because I wasn’t sure I was.  Apparently I paid enough attention in school to be acutely aware, although perhaps subconsciously, of the difference between wanting and willing.  And my physical body was not about to say something it couldn’t follow up on.

Willing meant it was on me.  That I alone was responsible for getting what I wanted.  And that maybe I was also responsible for not having gotten what I wanted.  Eeewh.

It also meant that I was open to receiving all that I wanted.  Which was perhaps a little scarier than the responsibility bit.  I mean – am I really worthy of receiving everything I want?  (See two blogs ago for help; and yes, you are).

Yes I might prefer a magic lamp, a genie, and three solid wishes, or wants.  Because that would involve no work, no real commitment, and certainly no risk on my part.  Easy breezy, yes please.  Unfortunately, or perhaps, fortunately, that’s not exactly the way the world works.

As scary as it was, realizing that this minor word substitution held the key to a life time of dreams fulfilled was exhilarating.  And did I mention scary?

Being willing comes down to a conscious choice.  You know what you want, you know where you stand today, and you can consciously choose to move in the direction of the thing you want.  You can.  If you’re willing.  It doesn’t mean that you’re going to like everything that needs doing in order to accomplish your dream, but because the joy and fulfillment of your dream drive your efforts, you are willing.  It doesn’t mean you won’t be scared or at times doubtful, but because you have committed to a thing, you are willing to walk through your fear and do it anyway.

Be willing is extremely powerful.  It places you firmly in the driver’s seat of your life.  Which is where you’ve been all along, only maybe you hadn’t noticed.

P.S. I was going to go with a high-dive picture, but this kid was too funny to resist:).

Strategies in Loneliness

After several uninspiring blog drafts, I’m just going to blurt it out.  I’m lonely.  This is strangely coinciding with the start of the holiday season.  Coincidence?  Uh, no. 

I’m not sure what I want to say about loneliness, except to say that I don’t want it.  I’d much rather call people, interact with people, or at the very least, be in proximity to people.  In fact, I went to the mall to be near frenzied shoppers I normally wouldn’t approach with a pole.  So it was fortunate I ran into a friend who also went to the mall to avoid loneliness.

If however, people, any people, had not been readily available, I would have settled for watching desperately sad movies, crying alone.  This way my loneliness would be much more important and meaningful.  So that later, when I shared my sad and lonely story, someone might feel sorry for me.  And while I’m not sure why that’s a good outcome, it’s one my ego seems to like.  A lot.

All of this avoidance and/or wallowing reminds me of trying to get a resistant cat into its carrier.  It’s a pretty hysterical, if not dangerous endeavor.  A cat will do ANYTHING to avoid the carrier.  It will run and hide.  It will spread itself flat like a pancake just as you’ve gotten it to the small, square carrier entrance.  #$&% cat!  It will bite, meow, hiss, etc…  Basically, a cat will risk death to avoid going into the carrier.

I mean, who knows what a carrier could lead to??  A new location, the vet, a bath?  Cats have a good point.  Carriers don’t always lead to happy outcomes.  But I’m not sure I can say the same for staying with loneliness.

What I don’t mean to do is laugh at loneliness.  Although, again, another good antidote.  Because loneliness is painful and well, lonely.  But you know, I’m not sure it’s loneliness that’s so bad.  It seems that the avoidance of loneliness is much more painful than the feeling itself.  I mean, what happens when you stay with the feeling?  Have you ever stuck around to find out?  In all honesty, today was maybe the first time I’ve consciously done this and the outcome was mostly… no more loneliness.  Huh.

So it seems to be the case (spoken from personal experience), that the more we run from loneliness or, to the contrary, wallow in it, the more power we give it.  And ultimately, the more control it has over us.  In fact, there’s a direct correlation with our resistance to something (or someone) and its power over us.

Instead of resisting unwanted feelings this holiday season, maybe we could give ourselves the gift of courage, mixed with a dash of compassion.  After all, making contact with loneliness is the start to a real connection.  With ourselves and anyone else who’s ever felt lonely.  Which pretty much accounts for everyone here on Earth.  Happy Holidays!

Not Getting Enough Credit?

It’s funny how every day life really gives you all the fuel for personal growth you could EVER ask for.  There’s really no need to travel around the world, live in a monastery, sweat in a sweat lodge.  It’s all right here for the taking.  Yay. 

Case in point.  I was watching Oprah the other day – because I can on my incredible TV-recording DVR device – and I noticed some irritation.  Oprah had one of her “Ah-Ha” moments right there on the show.  And I was so damn annoyed.

Interesting.  So after a few minutes of self-coaching, focusing, and some silence, I had it.  My irritation was about not getting credit for knowing what Oprah had only just discovered.  More specifically, how come she gets a show and I don’t?!!  Whaaahh!

I mean, if I’m more brilliant than Oprah (work with me), what gives?

What I uncovered is that a lot of the time I’m waiting for other people to give me credit for my talents, accomplishments, and sheer brilliance.  Uh-hem.  Basically, I’m waiting for someone to give me a pat on the head and say, “good job Carrie”.  Before I go out and get my own show.

Which sucks.

And also why I don’t have a show. 

Seriously, the difference between Oprah and most people is that most people don’t give themselves credit. 

For example – - your co-worker with less experience applies for and gets a management position.  Now she’s your boss.  The guy you went to high school with (who wasn’t all that bright) owns his own company – you remain a slave to the man.

There’s this whole, “who does she think she is?!” thing going on.  And we know it’s bubbling underneath when we start to feel irritated or indignant, or even resentful.  But the real question isn’t, who does she think she is, it’s – who do I think I am?  Who am I to apply for that management position, I’m not fully qualified!?  Or – of course I’m not running my own company yet, I don’t have enough experience.  And on and on.  Essentially we’re not giving ourselves credit for our abilities or capabilities, and we might even be waiting for someone else to do it for us.

This business of owning your abilities, trusting your capabilities, and giving yourself credit to say, launch your own personal talk show, is tricky.  It’s tricky because there is no real, tangible yardstick except the one you create in your head.  And what’s really funny is that everyone’s yardstick is completely different and totally arbitrary.  So you might consider taking a look under the hood to examine your totally random set of standards which determine whether or not you measure up.  Out of thin air.

Because I’ve found that most of us are using criteria that Jesus would have a hard time meeting.  I’m serious.  These crazy criteria set us up to fall short of impossible standards, which then becomes a reason to beat ourselves up, which only ever keeps us from knowing our true value. It’s a vicious cycle where we never feel good enough and so we end up looking outside ourselves for validation, approval, and credit.  Because as tough as the outside world can be, it’s often a kinder place than the judge in our heads.

Once you examine and hopefully begin to lower the laughable standards in your head, you might just discover the real truth.  That you are as valuable and worthy as you decide you are.  That’s it.  No one else can give you credit or determine your worth.  It’s not their job, and it’s not your job to determine theirs.

Struggling to Stay Afloat?

Survival mode.  It sucks.  And it’s where I’ve been (in my head) for a week now.  Yes, I have a great day job that pays me well.  And yes, I also have a steady side coaching business I love that provides extra income.  So what gives?

How did I end up in this state?  How is it that to an outsider’s view, things are going swimmingly?  Which is a funny way to ask because my common feelings involve sinking, drowning, overwhelm.  Are we having fun yet?

I don’t know about you, but every now and again this vaguely familiar, clearly unwanted perspective takes over.  And almost sinks me.

The sneaky questions that lurk behind the feelings include – - Why am I so behind the curve? How come everyone’s doing so much better than me? Why can’t I be wildly successful? Meet a great guy?  ETC…  Really, it comes down to something like – - What’s wrong with me?

Okay, nothing.  But I’ll get to that in a second.

First, I think we all slip into this dreary place every now and again.  And while you might not be as aware of your feelings as I, perhaps you notice you’re buying more lottery tickets than usual.  Or instead, you start to believe that your mostly annoying, somewhat unhygienic co-worker could pass for a husband, with just a little work (aka. a man is your plan).  Or maybe you’re overcome with the urge to sell all your stuff and move to some isolated part of Uzbekistan.  Where is that again?  You get the idea.

In the event that the above scenarios do not work out, what to do?

Two things – both work pretty well.  One – Do nothing.  Two – Do something.

Doing nothing is important.  Staying with the funk and not pushing it away, can for the first time, truly move you through it.  A recurring funk is like a recurring dream - it has something important to tell you.  And it will not rest until you get the message.

Think of your funk as a scared puppy that needs some compassion.  For whatever reason, a lot of intimidating, seemingly valid thoughts have entered your world and they’re almost enough to shut you down.  But approaching the stuckness, fear, or funk with kindness can provide some immediate relief.

If you examine the state of your funk closely enough, you might notice that a lot of the stories swirling in your head are familiar.  And possibly were helpful to you at one point.  But now as an adult, they simply hold you back.  Check the validity of those stories and see if you can come up with more accurate views that feel better.

And because this is a scared puppy you’re dealing with, option two – do something – is also important.  But sort of not without option one first.

Once you’ve approached yourself with compassion and understanding – Yeah, those are some seriously scary thoughts – the next step is some gentle discipline.  You want to train that puppy!

And I don’t mean discipline in the harsh, aggressive, Marine-like sense of the word.  I mean it in a loving, steady, puppy-training sort of way.

This comes down to knowing yourself and knowing what can help shake off your funk.  I’ve found that the best activities involve those that move me closer to the life I do want (writing each day, interacting with successful coaches), and those I can do on a regular basis.

It’s really all about having awareness and compassion for how you are feeling, and then implementing gentle routines that will help you cultivate better feelings you do want.  And ultimately, a life you love.

Because nothing’s wrong with you – you’re just in a funk.

A Change is Gonna Come

I’ve noticed a new phenomenon that’s recently sprouted in my life.  Whenever encountering resistance to something that pops up during my day, I pause and address the thing directly, as though writing it a sweet note - “Dear Belly (yes, my stomach), Dear Person who just cut me off in traffic, Dear Savings Account, Dear God… seriously!”  And so today I found myself uttering, “Dear Blog”!.

Turns out, this new proclivity is a gentle nudge telling me that either the something needs to change, or well, something in me might be do for a change.  I almost always want the other thing to change of course, but in the end I usually lose.  And mind you, looking at it as a win-loose situation is completely unhelpful.  Just saying.

So this afternoon I found myself uttering, “Dear Blog…”  Yes, it is indeed time for a change, and in this case much of the change will be coming from my blog (YAY!!) and some of it will be coming from me (BOO!).

While my ego is excited that it’s not having to change much, what it doesn’t know is that it already has.  HA- HA!

I’ve been doing a lot of work around what I want my coaching practice to be, how I want it to feel, who I want to serve, and mostly – how I’ve been standing in the way of that.  I’ve been unraveling a lot of old stories around my worth, my ability to have a successful practice, and who I am.  And it hasn’t been easy.  Or quick, necessarily.

But I’ve seen some subtle shifts, that over time have accumulated into – - It is seriously time to update my blog!  i.e. Change.

Turns out that I can’t rush healing, or growing, or well, change.  But when I stick to my knitting, take care of myself (and trust that others will take care of themselves), change just happens.  It happens exactly when it needs to happen.  And unfortunately, for some of us, not a single second sooner.

On the flip side, approaching change from the outside, external world is a whole heck of a lot harder than starting within.  I mean, sometimes (sometimes) it works, but mostly it doesn’t.  What does happen is that people manage to make a big change and then it all falls apart.  They end up right back where they started, only more discouraged, and less likely to try again.

The change didn’t stick not because they don’t deserve wonderful things or great relationships.  But because they don’t yet believe it.  Don’t believe they’re capable, deserving… fill in the blank.  Instead, starting on the inside is an opportunity to examine the “believing” part – what do you believe you deserve or don’t deserve,  what are you capable of?  In the end, the answers to those questions will paint a pretty accurate picture of what you’ll get.  Like every time. 

Point being, it’s an inside job.  Always has been, always will be.  When you clean up the painful stories and beliefs that are keeping you from the life you want, the change happens naturally.  It can’t not.

And if you’d like some help along the way, consider hiring a life coach (eh-hem – see contact tab).  Yes, shameless self-promotion, but hey, it is my blog:).

Giving Up.

Okay, after several attempts to write on a specific topic, I’m giving up.  Ahh!  Which is perfect, because now I know what to write about.  I’ve been sitting here for some time trying to craft a clever, relevant, insightful post with no results.  Nothing satisfying anyway.  Turns out I was trying to make something happen.  Which come to think of it almost never works.

This theme has been coming up for me in a BIG way in the past few months.  The theme of control and trying to make things happen.  Things that are pretty much out of my control.  Which is really frustrating and actually quite perfect.

Things that are out of my control = other people, getting other people to like me, zits, and um, life in general.  So let’s take other people as an example (I’ll follow-up with zits later).  Okay, and specifically – other people I’m dating.  Dating is funny, which in this post is code for “torture”.  I prefer funny, however.  Dating is also a great way to achieve spiritual enlightenment.  I mean, it exposes all of your vulnerabilities, makes you say and do the darndest things, brings up all of your “stuff”, and in general beats the hell out of your ego.  Like I said, enlightenment.  So this is good.

What’s “funny” is when you (I) try to make something happen.  For example, I try to get the person to like me.  I try to get them to view me in a certain way.  I try to… well, let’s stop there.

When I’m attached to getting a specific outcome I can’t see anything except for the outcome I don’t yet have.  It’s a bit desperate really.  And when it comes to dating, getting attached means I’m unable to see the other person – instead I see my projection of who I want them to be – and I lose myself in the process.  Instead of staying in my “business” and noticing what’s going on for me, I get into the other person’s business.  I miss the entire experience and my ability to gauge whether or not this is even a good fit.  And then, almost always, I don’t get the outcome I want.

And let’s be clear, we all do this.  We all try to avoid pain and subsequently cling to pleasure, i.e. we want a certain outcome.  A good one, damn it!  Which is really just a control issue.  Wanting a certain outcome is rooted in a basic fear that if we don’t “control” a situation we’re screwed.  See, it’s not that controlling people are mean or evil.  It’s that they’re scared.  And it’s all of us to some extent.  It shows up in different areas of our lives (dating may be a more obvious one), but it’s there, however subtle.

It’s there when we want people to be more courteous, or drive better (we are excellent drivers, however).  It’s there when we want life to be neat and tidy – seamless and cooperative.

So we try harder to control Life.  Which typically creates more pain.

And ultimately, when we believe (consciously or unconsciously) that we need to control a situation, it’s about not trusting Life.  It’s like saying – I know better.  I know that this person needs to like me.  Darn it.  And that this needs to become something meaningful.  But seriously, how do you know?  How do you know that the absolute perfect match for you isn’t just around the corner and that if you force this thing with this someone, you won’t totally miss it?

You don’t.  And what I’ve discovered is that Life knows a whole lot more than you or I do.  

I know this because the few times that I have “let go” - whether by total chance or because I’d exhausted all other options – things went amazingly well.  And that’s because letting go is about trusting Life.  It’s an act based in fundamental okay-ness, and it’s signaling to the Universe that I know that It knows best.  And It does.

Trusting Life and then sticking with yourself through all the discomfort and anxiety that surfaces when you give up control is a seriously courageous act.  And consequently, one that usually leads to the best possible outcome.

Year in Review

Writing whilst not in the mood to write.  You are a brave reader.  But I wanted to mark the end of my 34th year with a reflective-type post, especially as I had a clear intention when starting this blog – to take care of myself, to let that be the focus of this 34th year.  And so… how did it go?

Well, the year started out on shaky footing and come to think of it, is going quite swimmingly.  So please check back with me umm, next week, to see what’s changed.  Cause that’s life.  And I’m cool with that.  Right now anyway, when things are quite good.  The real test, of course, is when things get tough.  But no matter, I’ll get some practice soon enough.

So, reflecting on the bumpy lead-up to this mostly wonderful year, I started in a relationship, living overseas, then home out of relationship, then home back in relationship, living together, oops – moving out, no job, sales job, old job, tortured prolongation of ended relationship, real end of old relationship, single, happy, dating.  Present.  Phew.

And so what I learned – even when I really really didn’t want to learn anything – was that I am totally responsible for myself.  For my happiness, my misery, my successes, my failures (and how I choose to view them), my reactions, my non-reactions, the company I keep, the quality of my days, and the love I let in, and the love I shut out.

Along with taking ownership of my personal well-being, has come a sea of experiences, stories (the ones in my head) and emotions.  Over the course of this year I’ve been deeply afraid, quite joyful, brave, cowardly, mean, kind, ugly, glowing, nasty, and gracious.  And a maybe a few others.  Some parts I didn’t want to see or experience, others I clung to.  Desparately.  But it’s all me, and at the same time, none of it is.  These visitors come and go, up and down, in and out.  I’ve discovered that the more I can accommodate all of them, and when possible, welcome them… the more compassion I can have for myself, the deeper I know myself, and the more compassion I can extend to others.

There’s still a long ways to go.  Like the rest of my life.  But I’m learning and opening, and starting to let more love in.  Thanks for coming along for the ride.  This year.  I’ll end with a poem from Rumi called “The Guest House” -

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!  Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.  He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Give Up Hope

This may sound totally depressing and even nihilistic, but I’ve recently discovered that giving up hope is the key to a happy life.  Yup, you heard me right, turning your back on hope may just be the single kindest thing you can do for yourself.

So hear me out.  The first time I read this suggestion I was stunned.  In a Buddhist book no less.  Which in all actuality is not that surprising.  This idea of giving up hope runs so counter to everything we’ve ever been told, taught, or brainwashed to believe, that people have gotten angry with me for putting it out there.  And I decided to “put it out there” in this blog because remembering to give up hope helped me out just the other day.

I was at work not doing work, trolling Facebook and skimming through Twitter.  Which is an admittedly bad habit.  More so because I’m in a cubicle and as Murphy’s Law would have it, for the 30 seconds that I’m on one of these social media time warps, the CEO of my firm invariably walks past my desk.  And usually I’m caught trying to close it before he catches me, which of course looks just great.  I swear I’m a good worker, but everyone needs a little break.  Okay, you’re not my CEO, so nevermind.

So I started thinking about a guy, whilst on Facebook, whilst at work.  Lost in my daydream, or day-mare, I began getting depressed about the whole situation.  The story I wove in that 60 second period brought up some pretty painful stuff.  I pined for what I thought should have happened, for the outcome I had hoped for.  Leading to a listless despondency.  I mean, not really, but I wanted to use those words.  Anyway, then I snapped out of it and remembered to give up hope.  Oh goodie.

By giving up hope of some fruition, of some unlikely outcome, well I could go back to work.  But more importantly, I could stop torturing myself.  In many respects when we “have hope” we’re saying that right now is not okay and hopefully at some future date things will be better.  By living in a state of perpetual “hopefulness” we rob ourselves of the present moment.  And when you consider that your entire life is simply a series of present moments, you essentially rob yourself of your entire life.  Now that’s depressing.

And I know, I know, you don’t want to give up hope.  You don’t want to lose heart.  But I think the reason giving up hope is so scary is because we believe that it’s the only way to improve our situation.  However, if you take a real close look (and I highly recommend this), you begin to notice that having hope often gives you the opposite of what you’ve been hoping for.  But not always…

There are two ways in my view, to approach hope.  You can come from a place of  – - where I am right now sucks.  Or you can come from a “wouldn’t it be nice if…” sort of place.  The latter is helpful, the former is not.  I suspect that a lot of the hopefulness out there in the good ‘ol USA is of the – - where I am right now sucks – - variety.  Unhelpful.

That’s an important distinction because depending on where you’re coming from you get a whole different outcome.  When you can appreciate where you are now, getting excited about a new possibility is well, exciting.  It’s fun and light-hearted.  And it’s NOT the end of the world if it doesn’t happen.  Why?  Because everything’s already okay.  When you desperately need something to happen – when you still have hope that getting what you want is possible – you set yourself up for a whole lot of pain and suffering.  And interestingly, being hopeful or not has absolutely no effect on the outcome.

So giving up hope is a really kind thing to do.  When you give up hope you can finally begin to look at your life.  As it is.  You can start where you are.  Which is the only place from which to effect change.  If that happens to be what you want to do.

“Sign” or Delusion?

So an amazing thing happened.  Well, almost happened.  A dream job I had applied for over a year ago suddenly showed up on my doorstep.  Or, er, inbox.

To set the scene, two years earlier I left a fancy financial job to persue my life-long dream of living abroad in France.  That was a mouthful.  Anyway, the trip turned out to be just the thing (understatement), and upon returning home I was inspired, and determined, to follow my heart and avoid all-things finance.  So I eagerly applied for a student advisor position with Emory University.  Three times.  And nadda.  Nothing.  Not even a, “we got your resume, and why are you applying?”  Which maybe was a good thing looking back.

Fast forward 1.5 years and somehow I’ve landed myself a job, you guessed it, back with my previous employer, doing…right again, finance.  Only this time it’s different (which is funny because in finance, that’s a total lie).  But I’m serious, I’m different this time.  I’m happy, in charge of my faculties (most of them anyway), and really pleased with my decision to return after they asked me back.  Hey, it’s nice to be wanted.

With my new-found funds from my new-old-found job, I decided to take a trip to Arizona to meet Koelle Simpson, horse whisperer and life coach extraordinaire.  My friend, another amazing coach, Laurie Gay, had seen Koelle six months earlier and made some big changes in her life after working with the horses.  Now it was my turn, and I was excited, really excited.  And a little nervous.  What would happen?  What big changes would I make?  God, please, just don’t let me quit my job.  Anything but that.

And you guessed it (enjoying this phrase tonight), Emory University emailed me about that “dream-job” after day one with the horse whisperer.  Seriously?  Really?!  Included in the email was the statement, “we have your resume from a year ago.”  Come on people, you’re killing me here.

So of course it was a “sign”.  The Universe had spoken and this was it – my opportunity to finally, at long last, listen.  To my heart.  And if I didn’t…

It meant I failed the test.  A twisted test that would determine if I had the balls (excuse the language) to finally be true to myself and do what was right for me.

And boy was that a lot of pressure.

I had just started back with my old firm 5 months earlier - you know, the one where I quit unexpectedly 2 years before as a partner.  And no, that didn’t go over well.  Not at first anyway.  So here I was faced with an “ideal” opportunity before me and some potentially painful decisions.  I had to pony-up (pun intended:) and tell these guys yet again, that I wanted out.

But…something wasn’t sitting right.  Maybe it was the hefty credit card balance I had accrued (oops), maybe it was the thought of the imminent lynching that would probably ensue, or maybe it was something else altogether.  Nothing a weekend of meditation couldn’t solve.

And you know what?  It did.  I spent Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday sitting on a cushion not thinking.   Or trying not to think.  Or trying to not try to not think.  AHH.  In any case, the weekend gave me enough space, and shall we say, wisdom, to see something that had been hidden for pretty much my entire life.

What I realized was that this so-called “sign” was just another way for me to hand over my power to someone (something) else.  From the moment I received the email from Emory, it was a done-deal.  It was a sign!  I lost myself in all of the hocus-pocus and didn’t even stop to consider if it was the right thing for me right now.  In fact, the situation was eerily reminiscent of the time when I first became a partner with my current employer.  Once the partner opportunity had presented itself, I had to do it.  It was all or nothing, and essentially a choiceless situation in my view.  Quite a powerless position as it turned out.

And that’s an important point.  Signs can be incredibly magical, confirming and validating our deepest joys and yearnings.  Or they can be yet another ball and chain.  There is a big difference between surrendering intelligently to your life, to the heavens, to what rings true, and handing over your personal power to some external entity.  I was participating in the latter.

Magical decisions, in my experience, are made when we’re conscious and present to our lives.  And while signs can act as fabulous guideposts, following them blindly is just another way of abdicating your power.  And that very much belongs to you.

Habits…

Soooo.  I’ve been out of the habit of writing.  Which totally just sparked an idea for this blog.  Yay!  Habits.   That’s the idea.

This January I started a new (old) job, and of course, with the new job, I began my morning commute.  Only, the road I had taken before (to the old job that is now the new old job) was closed because a bridge was out.  Follow?  So I took a different route, because you know, I had to.  And then three months later, the original, better route opened back up.  And I forgot to take it.  Like 20 times.  Okay, more like three.  But still.

Yes, the better road was open.  It was shorter, prettier, easier to get to.  And I kept not taking it.  Which is amazing really.  It finally occurred to me to stick a post-it note on my steering wheel in order to remember to go straight instead of turning left onto the longer, uglier, more trafficky road.  And then, my brain still wanted to turn left even with the sticky note.  Although I didn’t, but boy did I want to.

Which again, fascinating.  I mean, think about it.  This is a simple, clear-cut example of two alternative choices, one clearly offering a better outcome then the other, and yet I kept taking the longer route.  Not because it was better, but because I was in the habit.  This is like the perfect, accidental experiment showing me (and now you) the power of my (your) habits.

Thank you God.  Seriously.

Because that little experience made me realize how many other things I do in my life – on a small and frighteningly large scale - that give me bad outcomes.  And how, jeez louise, if it was so hard to not turn left, how much harder is it to stop doing stuff that I’ve been doing for years?!  Overwhelm.  Okay, deep breath.

But you know, it’s okay.  It’s actually an opportunity to give ourselves a break.  It helped me realize how strong a hold a habit can have.  On my commute.  On my happiness.  On my life.

It’s like, okay, wow, the brain wants to just keep doing what it’s doing, even if it’s really painful.  Apparently that’s just the way it rolls.  Or the way mine rolls anyway.  But actually, research shows that it takes at least three times of doing something new before a habit is formed.  And then a fourth time just to make sure.  You know.

Which again is awesome.  Because when you know how your brain rolls, then you can train it.  Literally much like you would a dog.  And dogs are awesome, but I’ll talk more about that another time.

The first step to forming a new habit is of course to notice that you have an unhelpful habit going.  Without that whole awareness piece you are not in charge of your destiny.  You are seriously on autopilot – being driven by unconscious habits that may or may not be helpful.

So yes, notice.  Please notice.  I meditate which helps me notice, but whatever floats your boat – walks in nature, prayer, journaling, therapy.  Hey, coaching:).

Once you notice what you’re doing and what it’s getting you, you can then access – is this helpful?  Is this particular habit getting me closer to or further from feeling  happy?  Is it helping me move towards my dreams or totally sabotaging any chance in hell I might have of achieving them?  You know, reflect.

Then, if the outcome from your particular habit sucks, get a new one.  And train man, train!  Really, any good athlete, even one with natural ability, has to practice.  But even before practice, you have to set yourself up for success.  You’ve got to re-route that rut in your brain to start a new habit.  And how do we do this?  Bribery!

I’m serious.  And this is my teacher, Martha Beck’s, tip.  If you don’t like your current habit and you’re ready to start a new one, you may just need to sweeten the pot.  You know it’s going to take a least 3 times, 4 really, to train your brain to do something new, so set yourself up for success.  Each time you do the new habit, reward yourself.  Maybe it’s watching a TV show, maybe it’s going to the dog park (that’s mine), but whatever brings you some joy.  Do it!  Because eventually, the new habit will bring you the joy.  And to be safe, after you’ve done it 4 times, you need a bigger reward.  Like a pedicure or something (I’m speaking mainly to women here, but if you’re inclined, go for it guys!).

So that’s it.  It’s amazing how much of what we do is unconscious, but once we notice, we take back our own power to choose, and to be happy.